I Can't Say Stop
by schaefy
Summary: Steph has come to a decision about her problems. They aren't going to go away quick. So she does the one thing that will make the entire Burg proud of her, but will break her spirit. A little Morelli bashing. Schaefy
1. Chapter 1

When I woke up this morning I guess… I guess I knew today, something was different. Something had changed in me. It was a strange feeling, lying there, realising exactly what it was. Sort of daunting. It would mean my entire life would be turned upside down. Everything would be different. People would look at me and think of what I was now, and not what I had been in the past. My mother for once would actually be proud of me. Man I don't think I could ever get used to that. But most of all what I was about to do would probably mean the loss of one of my closest friends and colleagues. I felt sad at the prospect – the hurt we would feel, the loneliness which would linger, the loss which would darken our hearts forever. But it was a sacrifice I had to make for the wellbeing of everyone around me. Or at least my mother.

Today I realised everything wasn't going to be handed to me on a silver platter. My life was not magically going to right itself into perfection. I had to work for it. And sometimes I had to give up things I valued more than anything else in the world. This was what I would have to do today.

Today was different.

0 0 0

It was a gloomy Wednesday morning and I was sitting in my car, procrastinating. Gloomy mornings are the best mornings to procrastinate because everything is grey. The sky is grey, the buildings are grey, the people are grey Even better when it rains on you grey, gloomy procrastinating morning. Big, fat grey raindrops were pounding on my car no end, splashing down the windows and landing on the sodden ground. It was the kind of rain that you could take one step into and you'd be soaked to the skin and shivering. I sighed, leaned my head against the window and looked at the gloomy, grey, rainy, procrastinating morning in front of me. I had to get this over with now, before I lost my nerve. I was going to have to do it sometime, and I figured if I was going to do it, I may as well do it at the right time. I turned over the simple gold ring in my fingers, wondering whether I should put it on yet. Then slipped it back into my pocket. I couldn't face it. Not yet. I would have to soon, just not yet. I wasn't ready.

With a resigned sigh I pulled out my phone and dialled his number. He picked up on the second ring.

"Are you free some time today?"

"Sure, now's fine. Are you ok?"

I paused, the words stuck in my throat. I had the sudden urge to tell him my plan and my real feelings and ask what I should do. To unload my grief for the loss of his friendship and my misgivings about what I was doing. I really didn't want this to happen. Now I had set the wheels in motion I couldn't seem to stop them. I hesitated, searching for an answer.

"Steph?"

"I'll explain when I get there. I'll be there in ten."

I disconnected quickly, before he could reply. What had I done? I felt the panic rise like bile in my throat, my eyes welling with tears I knew _must_ remain unshed for years to come. Or at least not in front of other eyes.

I sniffed and turned the key in the ignition; the engine crackling into life over the sound of the heavy rain. Just my luck. The day I really don't want the car to start, it starts. Typical.

I pulled out of my lot and headed towards his building, planning exactly what it was I was going to say.

0 0 0

"Ranger?" I gently knocked and peered around the open door into his office.

I had never seen it before, bit when I peeked around the door I took in a slight breath of amazement. The room was quietly stylish, one side completely covered with windows through which the rest of Trenton was hazily visible, vast sheets of rain still crashing down on anything and everything. The rest of the walls were a deep red colour with white skirting boards running around the top and bottom. The floor was a dark, polished wood with a white carpet over the centre of the room. Bookshelves lined another wall, full of labelled files, official looking books and what looked like selected additions of "Guns n Ammo" stacked neatly in a corner. Two black couches and an armchair stood in the middle of the spacious room, a low wooden coffee table of the same dark wood standing between them; today's newspaper lying discarded on top.

A large desk stood to the back of the room made of a slightly warmer, lighter wood; a large leather desk chair behind it with a tall and muscular man sitting in it reading through a thick file. He looked up as he saw me, standing to great me.

0 0 0

"Hey Steph." Ranger smiled at me slightly, looking into my eyes a fraction longer than usual. His mask was faded today, and I could see something in his eye which made me feel slightly uneasy. My spidey sense started tingling. Something was up.

"Hey. I need to talk to you for a second."

As I said the words I was fighting so hard in my heart I saw a quality in his expression change. The amusement in his eyes faded; replaced by a sad, slightly… disappointed look. As if he knew what was coming. He sat down on the couch in front of his desk.

I could feel my nerve leaving, the denial in me saying he wouldn't notice what was going to happen and would mysteriously stop seeing me. But deep down I knew that was never going to happen. This conversation was going to happen sometime so it may as well be now. I sat down on the couch next to him and forced myself to look at his face instead of my shoelaces.

"First I want you to know that I'm sorry. I know it sounds stupid and inadequate but I _am_ sorry. For everything that's going to happen. Just please remember that. Please."

The words I was choosing fell so short of the feelings I was experiencing that I jumped up and started pacing in front of the couch, at a loss as to how to communicate what I was trying to say. I closed my eyes in frustration still striding up and down, trying to tell him.

"Steph." His quiet voice broke into my thoughts, my whole attention fixed on the only thing that wasn't my internal struggle.

"Sit down."

I sat. And opened my eyes, suddenly calm. When I did, I saw his two dark brown ones gazing into mine. The were almost hypnotising, calming my mind. I sat there just staring into his soul, focused on nothing but his presence.

"Tell me what's wrong."

0 0 0


	2. Chapter 2

I sighed sadly, my eyes suddenly unable to look away.

And I just said it.

"I have to marry him. I can't wait for you any longer. I've been stalling and stalling for three years now. But I can't keep doing this. To my family or to Morelli. You don't know how much it hurts me to say this, but I have to marry him. I can't, no one can be happy in this situation. My family are always nagging and nagging and nagging at me to just marry him and have kids ad be a housewife. Morelli's always at me about my job, my working with you and why I can't commit to him. And you… well you never tell me to do anything like that. You never explain what your feelings or intentions are so I know where we stare. You leave me confused and alone not knowing whether you're going to follow up with a proper relationship or just stay as 'friends-with-benefits'. And I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of everyone telling me how I should live my life and fix myself so I'm 'acceptable' in their eyes. I'm sick of having to hold my own against everyone just so I can have a little independence and privacy. I'll marry Morelli, give up Bounty hunting and become a housewife. The fight in me is gone. I've been waiting for you to give me something more for three years now, and it hasn't come. I knew you said you stayed away from commitment but I thought...I thought…"

My voice trailed away sadly.

"You thought I would change." He finished the sentence of tonelessly, his face twisted with guilt and regret. I was fighting back tears now, my eyes brimming, my breath wavering a little.

"But you didn't. So I have to."

His brown eyes were set with the strength of his emotion, of the blows it was dealing to his body.

His head shook almost involuntarily, trying to escape his anguish. His hands clenched in his hair as he looked up at me again. His eyes were so intense. That's all I remember about the moment. His regret and remorse and the sheer agony which was tearing him apart inside. And would continue to burn in his heart for years to come.

0 0 0

That was the last I heard of Ranger for what would become long years of suffering. From then on a mask formed in front of my face, hiding my pain and defeat behind forced joy and happiness. Once of twice over the years I would catch a fleeting glimpse of a figure clad in black across the street or in a car, looking very like him, watching me. But always the moment I looked back, he was gone.

Five months after my visit to Ranger I walked down the aisle to Morelli, forcing my true feelings to the back of my mind and making myself believe I was happy with my marriage.

My mother was uncharacteristically proud of me, bringing up my marriage in conversation as much as possible. Grandma Mazur was asking about Morelli's performance on our wedding night and recounting hers in way too much detail. Valerie and Albert and their kids were all ecstatic with 'Uncle Joe'.

The only one not over the moon about the whole affair was my Father. On the eve of out wedding I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom at my parent's house, having moved out of my apartment a few months ago. I was hugging my knees to my chest, staring blankly at the floor and feeling miserable.

My Dad quietly walked past my open door and stepped into the room when he saw me.

He leaned against the door frame and watched tears fall onto my arms, and sighed slightly.

"You don't have to do this Steph. Don't think that."

Something in me broke, just as my will to fight had broken five months ago.

"I _do_ have to do this dad. For Mum and Morelli and everyone. I've been letting them all down for my entire life. It's time to give up now. For them to be happy.

"But not you?" The reply rang through the quiet room, cutting through it like a knife.

"A life of misery and regret so Ellen can be happy."

He paused. I looked up to see pity in his eyes, mixed with a strange bitterness as if he had once made the same choice.

"Steph, think about this. Is it really worth it?"


	3. Chapter 3

I lay on my bed long after he left, numb. I couldn't comprehend it. What he'd said. So many questions had been raised, none answered. My first instinct had been to want to know what had made my father have this sudden insight and familiarity with my feelings and decisions. But now I wasn't sure I couldn't handle it. And especially what the consequences were for my Dad. What they would be for me.

Valerie bounced in happily, happy that he baby sister was finally settling down, and her eyes almost bugged out when she saw me, seemingly oblivious to my depressive mood.

"You're not ready?? Mom's gonna kill you – people are starting to arrive for your party tonight already! Joe's here, he's had to put up with Grandma mentioning that hot stuff bounty hunter you go around with a million times and I think he's getting pissed."

I forced a chuckle out as my heart plummeted at the sound of Ranger. Sigh. I was going to have to think about this later. Valerie was tugging at my hand and dragging me towards my closet which was half full of clothes, tossing choicest outfits onto the bed.

Ten minutes later I was deemed presentable by Valerie (I hadn't dared to look at myself in the mirror... My idea of presentable is a little different to Valerie's. Example, t-shirt and jeans.) and she was pulling me downstairs into the crowded ground floor while trying to fix a smile onto my face. People pressing in all around me, congratulating me and Joe, asking me when the baby was due ("Am I pregnant?") and generally rattling off minutes of crap about weddings and babies and marriage that I didn't want to know. My mother, Valerie and Angie were circling around with finger food and champagne before our gigantic buffet dinner. I found Joe and smiled a genuine smile at him and slid an arm around his waist.

"Enjoying the party?" he whispered in my ear. I grinned slightly bemusedly.

"Like Hell warmed up." He gave me a look of mock offence.

"Hey, I planned everything for you so it would be perfect and you don't like it? Geez, I wonder why I bother…" It was becoming easier to fake it by now and I found if I forgot what was to come I could actually have a little fun with Joe. He wasn't such a bad guy really. Most of the time. I grinned at him again and punched him lightly on the shoulder.

"I know for a fact my mother had been planning this for weeks, and would you call this perfect?" I gestured to the million people squished like sardines into our small ground floor and spilling onto the garden. Joe was bumped from behind and only just caught himself in time. He looked up, expression slightly pained.

"I see your point."

0 0 0

My mother and what seemed like the rest of the Burg had cooked a huge buffet for the guests; food was piled high on every surface imaginable. Once everyone had champagne Joe's best man, his cousin Tony, tapped his glass and the crowd fell silent.

"Look, I'm not one for long mushy speeches so this is going to be pretty short and snappy."

Everyone laughed.

"Well, we've all been eagerly waiting tomorrow for months and years now, I guess everyone knew Joe and Steph would end up together in the end no matter how long it took! Of course they've known each other from childhood but never really had proper contact until they were a little older. After a _very_ short relationship in their teenage years Steph and Joe lost contact with each other for a few years (unless you count when Steph ran over Joe with her Buick). They were reacquainted a few years ago, when Steph in her new job, had to hunt down Joe. He was her first target or "FTA" and amazingly after secretly working together, she did end up bringing him in. And the rest, they say, is history. They hit it off instantly and have been in a relationship of sorts for years now. So now they're finally together forever, just like the entire Burg predicted! I would just like to congratulate them on behalf of everyone here, and wish them all the happiness and joy for the coming years. Well done to Joe especially, for taming the Most Notorious Marriage disaster in the Burg, Stephanie Plum!"

I blushed. Everyone laughed.

"To Joe and Steph!"

Everyone raised their glasses and echoed Tony.

"To Joe and Steph!"

0 0 0

After many more toasts, champagne, food and talking I escaped to my bedroom once everyone had left to think things over.

I was exhausted both emotionally and physically as I fell into my bed in my thinking position. My father's words had provoked the feelings in me I had tried so hard to suppress for five months; and they finally burst their boundaries, grabbing my train of thought and running with it.

Was it really all worth it? And why had Dad looked so bitter when he had said it, as if he had had to make the same choice as well. I though he and my mother had grown up together in the Burg like Morelli and me. I thought they had married as expected a few years after my father had a job and my mother had become a housewife. Thought they had been in love, a little at least. But now… I wasn't quite sure.

Why had I never stopped to think why my dad was so quiet and content to drive cabs and watch TV all day? Why did he shut himself away from the rest of the world?

A small voice spoke inside my head, speaking the words I wasn't sure I wanted to hear. The reason was because he had done what I was going. He had done what I was doing now. Caving in to the force of the Burg and marrying for the sake of marriage. And he had had thirty years to regret it. To think about it. To hate it. That scared me more than anything, and I wondered if I would end up like him, chained to the Burg's limitations and rules with no way to get out.

I slept fitfully that night, waking every one or two hours until I gave in at dawn. I wandered downstairs aimlessly, slightly numb and hopeless about life. Today is my wedding day, I told myself, you should be screaming and laughing and jumping for joy. My heart beat a little faster with apprehension. These were my last hours of freedom.

I walked out and opened the front door, leaning against the frame. It was late November and the grass was lay like a blanket over Trenton. I shivered in my tank top and woollen pants, grabbed my denim jacket and scarf and stepped onto the lawn. The grass was freezing and crunched when I stepped onto it, the ice melting as soon as I touched it. I pulled on my jacket numbly; slowly wrapping my scarf around my neck then sat down on the icy grass and watched the shy. Despite the temperature it was a perfect blue with a few clouds scattered across for good measure. I shivered, pulling my jacket tighter around me. The ice was soaking through my pyjama pants, goosebumps erupting all over my arms causing me to shiver more. I stuffed my hands into my pockets in an effort to find warmth, but instead hit something hard in my right one. That's odd; I hadn't left anything in there yesterday. I drew it out to find… a small box. It was wrapped in cream paper with a crisp white bow on the top. I could only have guessed one person who would do this, but we had been out of contact for five months now.

I gently unwrapped it to find a simple navy blue box inside, a note attached to the top.

"Wishing you both all the best for many years to come.

R."

I bit my lip and, laying the note aside, opened the box. Inside lay a large bracelet made of entwined bands of silver. Across the diagonal central band there were five small diamonds embedded in it, between what looked like an inscription.

"I will be watching over you"

I took a breath… shock, misery, a twinge of regret rushing through me. Oh God. I couldn't deal with this.

Below the bracelet lay a pair of cufflinks made of the same entwined silver bands. Tears began leaking from my eyes as I traced the words on the bracelet, mouthing them as I went. It was Ranger's final salute to me. He had given me up to Morelli and let him take me without a fight, But told me he would always care. Pain stabbed through my heart as I stared at the cufflinks.

They were Morelli's wedding present from Ranger. It was almost mocking.

0 0 0

Sorry, would have gone longer but it's late. I'm tired. School starts day after tomorrow. Tooroo! Rest of the chapter up tomorrow.

Review. You know you want to.

Schaefy :D


	4. Chapter 4

Hi guys sorry this is a short chapter – it's what was supposed to follow on last night's update. It was just really late and I have school tomorrow. So I'm doing it now. Enjoy and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!

Schaefy

0 0 0

I sat out there for a good hour, watching the sun slowly rise in the wintry sky, until I heard sounds in the kitchen. My mother was up. Shit. I quickly stuffed the box back into my pocket, grabbed the newspaper which had been thrown onto the lawn and headed indoors.

The wedding was to begin at two'o'clock, so I showered and slouched downstairs; yawning and grading my feet. I paused outside the kitchen door, leaned against the wall and banged my head against it a few times for good measure. Uh.

"Stephanie?"

Busted. I quickly got off the wall, plastered a grin onto my face and floated into the kitchen. My mother was standing next to three simultaneous frying pans a large pot; practically bouncing with the prospect of having both daughters married off, happy and nervous. She was the very image of what I should have been like today. The table was already laid with what looked like the entire contents of the fridge. My stomach turned over at the sight of all. As soon as my mother saw me she pounced, hugging me so tight I was afraid my ribs would crack, kissing both cheeks, actually _pinching_ one then hugging me again. Only when the slight smell of burning wafted across to us from the largest of the pans did she let me go a rush over to it, talking to me over her shoulder.

"Oh Stephanie you look simply radiant today, did you sleep well? Are you nervous? How do you feel? You look so much better now that you gave up Bounty Hunting. Are you ready? Your dress is arriving with Mary-Lou at ten, your hair appointment is at ten thirty, make-up and manicure and pedicure at eleven thirty, we arrive at the church at one and you come back here to get ready, then you leave at one fifty to arrive at two'o'clock. What would you like for breakfast?"

She'd said all this very fast in one breath and now looked at me expectantly. Wow. Slightly dazed, I paused for a minute.

"We've got toast, eggs, bacon, pancakes, fried tomato, sausages, cereal, waffles with syrup, French toast, cinnamon toast, fruit salad, donuts, omelette…"

I just stared for a second, a little stunned.

"Stephanie?"

I was jolted back to reality.

"Uh… just… just toast thanks."

My mother looked at me slightly disbelievingly, then shook her head as if she had misheard me and loaded a plate with a bit of everything. She pushed me into a chair and handed me a knife and fork.

"Eat."

I sighed. It was going to be a long day.

0 0 0

I had eaten just the toast from my plate then given it to my Dad to finish. Even he looked slightly amazed at the amount of food on the table. I made it through the hair and make-up with my earphones stuck in my ears turned up to full volume while my mother nattered in one ear and my grandmother in the other; completely unaware I had no idea what they were saying. I had gone back the house and Mary Lou had helped me get into my dress. I was so nervous and so scared of what was going to happen that I could barely look in the mirror to see myself. All too some she was handing me my bouquet and we were walking to the very clean looking Buick which had been chosen to take us to the wedding. I clutched my flowers for dear life while Mary Lou tried to calm me down, only stopping short of forcing me to take drugs to relax. Then we pulled up to the church, and I was near tears, desperate to get out of the country if I could. Mary Lou pulled me forward as I frantically forced the tears back. They'd ruin the make up. She lead me up the path to the church antechamber where I saw a figure clad in a black suit with mocha latte skin slipping into the back row. I stopped dead. Why would Ranger come? Why was he here? To mock me? To show me what I was missing? A dry sob escaped my throat and Mary Lou turned around, blocking my view into the church.

"Steph not now, please not now. Just walk down the aisle and cry all you want, everyone will think you're happy. But once you step out that door there's no turning back, you can't stop. You have to keep going. If you can't do it, tell me now and I can handle everyone else. But don't go out there to turn back. Once your there, your there till the end. Remember that. Now tell me. Can you do it?"

Sobs choked my throat as I spotted Ranger turning to see me. I stared into his eyes, wishing with all my heart that it were he at the other end of the aisle and not Joe. His expression changed to shock as he saw me standing there tiny in my huge wedding dress, looking scared and desperately trying to find a way to get out. One of his hands reached out to me as he stood, pity all over in his face. Then I sort of let go of everything, my mind unfocusing. And I fell to the floor, unconscious.


	5. Chapter 5

Authors Note: Hi all,

Sorry it took so long for me to update—these last weeks I have been extremely busy with schoolwork and assignments and I have not had time to continue the story. Along with the fact that I didn't know where to go with it. I left it in a slightly complicated position for what I wanted to happen later. Anyways I had a day off today (long story short I had lung problems) and so I wrote this short chapter (I ran out of room in my book) to placate you all until the Easter break in about three weeks when I will hopefully write some more. I have also started a new songfic I have really wanted to write for ages which I will also type and post today. Hopefully. It's not finished but I thought you'd enjoy some new material. Please please please review because that is really what keeps me writing – even if you just say one word answers or something… ok the more words the merrier and I promise I'll get back to you! Thanks everyone,

Schaefy

0 0 0

Ranger's POV

I straightened the dark tailored suit I had chosen for the event as I ducked into the church to see what looked like the entire Burg sitting in the pews. It was the very same suit I had worn on n undercover skip capture with Steph We had been posing as a wealthy couple at a charity ball, supporting Cancer research in children. I sank down into the last pew at the back of the church, oblivious to the cheerful talk and laughter all around me. The worst time to feel alone was in the middle of a crowd. Finally I understood this. The utter isolation from any living soul, which are crammed close around you, the mental and social separation stabbing pains into the heart, the loneliness which penetrated the single person in the crowd who communicated with no one, and stood alone at the edge of the room.

My heart pulsated with my solitude and complete isolation from everyone I know since Steph had confronted me those five months ago. Even Tank could not help this time, although he had tried. This pain was something I had to do alone. I had to bear this suffering alone, this agony which pierced my heart so deep it felt like physical pain. Because it was my fault. It was all my fault. I had caused this; I had known I was doing it. Because I was too cowardly to go to her, to tell her… to tell her how I would die for her the most painful death. I would catch the bullets for her as I had the year before. And that I would do his because I loved her. More than anyone on this earth. By God, I loved her. Her sparkling blue eyes pierced even my dreams at night, again and again, showing the agony of her predicament, the loss of her love for me.

A soft haunting classical score was playing softly in my mind as I shut my eyes, closing out the rest of the world only to have the night of the charity ball play like a movie inside my head. Reliving the best night of my life. Stephanie was leaning into me, her face relaxed into my neck as we danced to the soft, lilting music as though we were quite alone in the room. I was completely relaxed, my head resting next to hers, whispering words of love into her ear in Spanish, my mouth almost insubstantial against her soft skin.

I had been so close then… so close to telling her, to asking her to stay with me forever. As the soft piano rose and fell around us, our hearts bound closer than ever before, dancing the steps of love. But I had not said it. I had not done it, for fear of rejection. For fear of my love being unrequited.

As the agony inside me peaked I found my face in my hands, the soft sounds of Satie replaced with a happy organ tune, awaiting the arrival of the bride in a church packed with laughing, happy people.

I stood up, unable to take it anymore. Unable to bear the pain. Unable to take the blow.

Quickly and quietly, I stood and faced the door out of the church, half open at the end on the aisle.

I saw her through it, pale as ice under all her makeup wearing a large frilly white dress obviously Burg style to placate her mother. Her eyes were wide and panicky, a note of desperation clear as the finally found mine. Shock coursed through them, a look of numb pain replacing it. As if my presence caused her pain. As old half healed wounds were ripped open again.

Then her beautiful eyes filled with tears as she seemed to sag on her feet, her eyes rolling back into her head. I desperately reached out my arm to catch her as she fell toward the ground. My last chance to redeem myself. My last chance to tell her. My last chance to save her.

But she was too far away. She hit the ground with a sickening crack on the hard stone floor. My world spun as I stood there, frozen. I had failed to catch her. I had let her down.

I had lost her.

Forever.

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Reviews spread the love. You love me right:D

PS: That piece of music described is called Gymonopedie #1 by Satie and I have to say it is _the_ _most_ beautiful piece of music I have ever heard. If you have the chance – buy it/download it/ get it from limewire or something and have a listen. It's really an amazing piece of music.

Schaefy


	6. Chapter 6

Once, a few years ago, I had been discussing psychics and clairvoyants and that sort of thing with Mary Lou over coffee and do

_Stephanie_

Once, a few years ago, I had been discussing psychics, clairvoyants, and that sort of thing with Mary Lou over coffee and doughnuts. Her sister, Jane, had been to see one and we were talking about how reliable they really were. Somehow the conversation had moved to out of body experiences, and we had both laughed at the thought, deeming it absolutely ridiculous. But after today, I don't think I could ever laugh at it again.

The last thing I remembered was Ranger standing in the aisle of the church I was about to get married in, a look of distressed regret and desperation on his face as he reached towards me, trying to catch me as I blacked out.

The next thing I knew, it felt like I was floating over the church antechamber, watching my body fall to the ground, hearing the sharp crack as my head hit the floor and Mary Lou's cry of shock. It was sort of like …slow motion. Ranger was slowly running through the door, a look of shock and pain on his face. He reached me, lying in the huge folds and petticoats of my dress, as Mary Lou was bending over me, tears of worry and confusion pouring down her face. I look so vulnerable, I observed from above; feeling as if I were floating above them all looking down on the scene, like a tiny person in the middle of a desert—alone, and unreachable.

Ranger bent over my body, trying desperately to wake me from unconsciousness, the pain and sorrow written all over his face. As if he regretted ever turning me down. I could see people in the church turning around curiously in the pews as they heard the crack of my head, and saw Ranger sprinting to catch me as I fell. I found my spectre self floating near the ceiling searching the familiar faces, seeing my family, extended family and their families. Friends, neighbours, cousins, cousins of cousins, every soul that had ever heard of the Burg had come out to watch the Wedding of the Year. The Plum/Morelli wedding. My wedding.

They were all here for me and Joe, to wish us happiness and a long marriage. Why did I still doubt myself? Why did I still doubt him? I had dragged all of them out here, I had put their hopes up that this time, it would be for real. No more coming and going from Joe's place and no more break-ups and reunifications. This was it. This was the end. And this was the way it would have to be.

I could see Joe's white face as he ran down the aisle, worry and anxiety splashed all over his handsome features. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Being married to him wasn't the worst thing in the world. It could have been worse I mused. I could have ended up with another Dickie. But maybe we could make it work. If I did the right things and said the right things, maybe we could make it last for more than awhile. There was no turning back now. I was too far in to back out; I had to go through with this. There was no other option. I just had to do it.

As I came to the realisation I felt myself letting go from whatever I had and wherever I was, my mind falling blank and my view of the room spinning so fast it became nothing more than a blur of colour. I fell back into my self, my body, noticing the sensations of the senses I had taken for granted for so long returned to me. I felt someone holding my hand, rubbing circles on my palm, and a coaxing voice sounding quietly in my ear.

"Stephanie? Stephanie, wake up for me. Can you open your eyes for me?" I felt a stab of pain to my heart. Internally, I sighed. He was still here. But could I face Ranger yet, without doubting what I was about to do? Could I honour my commitment to Joe? I guessed I was about to find out.

My eyes flickered open and the world came slowly into focus, a handsome, angular, Cuban face obscuring most of my vision. I saw the sadness written all over, the longing and regret. It was deep in his eyes, in his very soul. I pushed the thought away, trying to push myself up into a sitting position. Not a good idea. My arms collapsed under me and my vision blurred, stabbing pains searing down my back. A wave of nausea hit me so badly that I curled up on the floor, struggling to stop the deepening urge to heave my innards out of my mouth. I was clutching my stomach, blindly coughing and struggling to suck in breath, pain scorching my back and neck with every movement. The hysteria was increasing, as I spluttered and struggled to breathe normally through the constant retching, coughing and spasms, tears running down my face at the pain, my inability to see and the complete and utter fear about what was happening.

My body was heaving and convulsing violently against the agony, my limbs shaking so hard I couldn't do anything except let them flail, crying out blindly to whoever could hear me. My mind had become a little delirious, the intense fire that burned through me was all that I was aware of. I felt strong arms struggling to enfold me, to stop my arms and legs from cramping and shuddering and my breath from heaving.

"Babe! Stop! Just let go of it, let go of the pain! I promise you, it will get better! I won't let anything happen to you ever, I promise, please!" Ranger's voice cried over my own groans and cries of agony. His voice was raised, a trace of panic evident, his arms encircling my chest and gently pulling me close to him. Through the haze of agony which had overtaken my mind I heard his voice as distant as the moon, my mind barely comprehending his words.

"Relax, mi amor, Stephanie, Babe, Relax..."

I could vaguely hear him repeating this softly into my ear over and over, the rhythm and lyrical quality of his words intriguing my crazed mind. His heart beat steadily on next to my ear as I cried and jerked— the warmth of his body next to me like a blanket on a cold winter night. I felt myself begin to relax finally, with the complete calm and comfort I felt when I was in his arms. My arms slowed their flailing to a gentle shudder and jerk every few moments, the pain receding slightly as my body fell still. As I fell still in his arms I let the emotion take over. I let go. I cried and cried into his warm chest, his comforting embrace all I knew at that moment, hearing the soft Spanish he whispered in my ear by his soothing voice take over and my body surrendered to the pain and emotion. My head pounded as I cried, his arms tightening around me, his lips brushing across my forehead.

"_Todo irá bien. Te lo prometo. __Stephanie justo mantenerse vivo... Te quiero..." _

(Everything will be fine. I promise you. Stephanie, just stay alive. I love you)

My breaths had calmed slightly, still ragged and jerky, my chest trembling and shuddering as I lay there. I felt the little consciousness I had been able to retain begin to slip away, my mind still fixed on him and only him. As soon as the attack had stopped, it started again. I was scared by the..the… thing, the paralysis that had taken over my body, ensnaring my mind and muscles so I could not move. I had lost all control over myself, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything. I was totally unable to communicate with anyone, I had no idea what was happening to me!

I began to panic, my heart beginning to pound too fast, my limbs beginning to tremble again as my pulse quickened and I struggled against whatever was holding my voice back. I needed to reach him, I needed to talk to him, I needed him to tell me it was ok, I was so scared he would let me go for a second time—If he did, if he let me fall unconscious, I knew by some sick foresight that it would be the final time. I would be alone, isolated and helpless forever. I needed… I needed his comfort. His protection. I needed him to tell me he was ready to catch me.

My arms moved blindly around his neck, pulling his soft face close as I began to lose myself, mouthing wordlessly as I tried to speak to him, to tell him to stay with me.

I felt his cheek close to mine, my world spinning into darkness, mutely trying to make some noise, anything.

"Relax Babe. It will come. Just trust me."

And I felt the last of my consciousness slip away, gripping his hand as I fell into the darkness.

"Ranger…" I whispered.

And I fell away.


	7. Chapter 7

_Stephanie_

I felt something tapping insistently on my face.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Go away! I'm trying to sleep!

Tap.

Tap tap.

Irritated, I slowly cracked an eyelid. Vaguely I heard people sighing with relief. I thought I could hear someone speaking to me.

"Steph? Steph, open your eyes honey." Honey? Wha—?

Mary Lou. Of course.

I opened my eyes to see flagged stone walls and the church decorations. Mary Lou was bending over me, and what looked like most of the wedding guests clustered close around.

"Steph! How do you feel?"

I threw her a look and sat up, rubbing my head.

"Like I just got hit in the head with a baseball bat."

Murmured laughter from the crowd. Mary Lou smiled and handed me a glass of water.

"What happened?" I said, taking a few careful sips.

"Well I was talking to you and you just...sort of ... fainted I guess. Then you were convulsing on the ground for a bit. It sounded like you were in pain." She looked at me through fearful eyes. Then I remembered. Ranger had been here! I looked around for him, wondering where on earth he was.

"Where's Ranger?"

"Ranger? The bounty hunting guy?" She looked at me worriedly. "Steph, Ranger wasn't here. It was just me."

"No, he has here Mare, he was! He was talking to me; I could feel him touch me!"

Mary Lou began to look as though she was afraid I had lost my marbles.

"He wasn't here Steph."

I took another slow sip of water. Maybe I had been dreaming or hallucinating or something. But it had been so real? I could feel his breath on my face; hear the soft words he whispered in my ear... Then I realised. He had told me he loved me. I only knew a few broken words of Spanish, but I was sure of it.

My heart deflated from its ridiculous hopefulness. It must have been a dream. Ranger would never have told me he loved me. He... well. He had passed. I had returned to Morelli as Ranger's cast off. And that was the way it would always be.

Tears slowly fell from my lashes as again I felt the pain of his rejection, stabbing my heart over and over until it was indiscernible from any other organ. He had taken my heart and cast it away. I had placed so many of my old hopes and dreams in him, of freedom, and happiness, and love. But I guess that meant nothing to him. He represented everything I had secretly hoped for out of life. A little risk, adventure, instead of the generic life prescribed to me by society. And, just as my mother said, it had all blown up in my face. Or rather, there was no reaction at all. He had not acknowledged me. Not even bothered to tell me he cared.

I wrapped my arms around my torso as I felt the hole where my heart had been sear with pain, sobbing with shaky, gasping breaths. I barely noticed Mary Lou's arms, or the confused fear emanating from the crowd around us. I shuddered and shook on the floor until I was exhausted. Nothing could make it better but _him_. I needed his arms around me, to hear his voice in my ear.

But I felt nothing.

I heard nothing.

I was alone.

0 0 0

I ended up marrying Joe a few days later in a small church close to home, with just our respective families and a few friends. I had been numb since my episode, finding it easier to shut out everything in exchange for numbness from the pain. I went through the motions of living every day, eating drinking, sleeping, working. But it was almost as if I were living on autopilot. I tried to act as normal as I could around other people, but they knew something was wrong. I was not my usual, exuberant self. A few people commented time to time, but I just smiled hollowly and assured them I was 'fine'. None of them looked very convinced.

The present I had received from Ranger lay hidden under my bed at home, thrown there to get rid of any reminder of the pain. I threw out the notes he had left for me, cards he had sent some time ago now, the secret stash of Bulgari I kept in my bathroom cupboard for emergency use. The various Rangeman shirts, hats and sweatshirts I had collected over the years were all stuffed into a garbage bag and lobbed into the skip. I cleaned out my apartment of every reminder of him. The cell phone, key fob and tracking device pen all landed in the garbage. But then, I came to the hardest of all.

Around my neck was the most important thing he had ever given me. It had been for my birthday the previous year, and had hung there since that day. It was a beautiful silver necklace, so delicate that when I had first opened its box I had been afraid to touch it. From a single small silver bead hung the most beautiful little heart on a chain with a diamond embedded into the upper corner. I had loved it at first sight, and it had come to symbolise my affection for him, and served as a constant reminder of what he had done for me.

Reaching for the clasp now, I slowly undid it with trembling fingers, staring at myself in the mirror as the tears fell. I watched as the chain slid like liquid down my neck into my hand. After wearing it for so long my neck felt strangely naked. I stared at the tiny silver heart for a moment. And then slowly, let the chain slide through my fingers, the familiar links slipping away one by one. Until it fell to the ground. And I let go.

0 0 0

It was late one night, the moonlight casting eerie shadows across Morelli's bedroom. I had been lying next to him staring for hours in a kind of mindless apathy. I was still numb. I felt nothing. I thought nothing. I was nothing. But in the back of mind, the dull throb of pain. Of rejection. The thought of what could have been. But I ignored it, preferring self preservation. It was easier to be numb then to feel the pain.

I dozed for a minute or two, a slight rustle of sheets waking me. For a moment, I forgot where I was, and opened my eyes to disappointment. It was just Morelli. It wasn't... it wasn't... I could not even bear to think his name.

_You are the light, waiting in the dark_

_You're real and untouched_

_You're the attack waiting for a heart_

_Like mine to open up_

Unconsciously, I felt myself remembering how his long silky hair felt between my fingers, the hard planes of his face under my gentle caress. How he twitched with longing as I ran my hands over his rock hard muscles. I shuddered, fighting back tears, clutching the place where my heart used to be.

_You saved the day, flew in like a dove_

_I tried to stay up_

_And I can't believe who lies next to me,_

_I can't keep my eyes shut_

And suddenly, I couldn't remember why I had married Morelli. Why was he next to me, his handsome face turned away as he slept on, unawares? What was I doing in this suburban neighbourhood, so close to my parent's house? What was I doing here of all places, the hell I had been determined to leave my whole life? Tears of agony slid quietly down my face as I curled up as far away from Morelli as I could get, my whole body contracting as I fought to drown the screams that were rising in my throat.

_Where did you go dear?_

_I'm alone in here_

_I'm running but I'm stuck_

_And bleeding from the waist up_

Clutching my hair with rough hands, my mouth opened in a silent scream of horror as my eyes widened. The feeling of no return was smothering me, like an animal about to be slaughtered and somehow knows. They try to escape in any way, even though they know their death is imminent. That was like it was for me. My death was imminent. The death of my soul. It was breaking. It was shattering. It was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

Hi all,

Just wanted to say thank you to all the fantastic people who reviewed the lasted chapter—I really really really appreciate it! Everyone, the way to any author's heart is REVIEWS! SO hit that button! I know these updates were kind of out of the blue, but I felt really guilty about not updating for nearly a year. Oops. Sorry. So I figured I should give you false hope, and then wait for another year to finish it! Jokes. I'm trying my best. And thanks especially to everyone who asked how I was; it means a lot that you all remembered. I'm recovering well and functioning properly again which is good. I feel much better in myself. So thank you, and enjoy the next instalment!

Schaefy xxoo

_Stephanie_

So months passed with Morelli. But I remained numb. Nothing touched my heart. I fell out of touch with Mary Lou, Lula and Connie. I became introverted and barely responded when people talked to me. From the vibrant, boisterous person I had been a year ago, I had become wallpaper. No one really looked at or noticed me. I got a job at a local book store in a Shopping complex, and spent my days either stacking books, or hiding from my manager with a good book. I would go for hours or sometimes even a day or two without saying a word. Morelli was so focused on a big sting they had going that he barely noticed me, apart from when he wanted sex or food. He was gone early in the morning and came home late after I had gone to bed, and although he kissed me each time and told me he loved me, I could tell his mind was elsewhere.

I felt such intense loneliness at times that I would hunch my knees to my chest, bind my arms around them and stay like that for hours at a time, trying to hold the pieces of my soul together. I would sit in Morelli's bedroom for hours in the dark, hunched over myself, until I heard his car pull in. Then I would get quickly into his bed and feign sleep. In reality I lay awake most nights until the early hours of the morning, watching the moonlight follow its path along the bedroom floor as the night progressed. Sometimes I would think about Morelli and our Marriage. Other times I would feel the stabs of pain over and over until I wished I could just die. Still others I would curl myself tight to try and hold myself together, and cry as the hole in my chest where my heart used to be burned and seethed with pain.

Tonight, I was thinking. About... about _him_. I could not even bear to think his name. The hole in my chest was only aching, enough to keep me uncomfortable, but to allow me to think. I turned in the bed covers, my thin frame barely depressing the bed. Food had not held much interest for me lately, and I had only eaten sparingly.

I sighed, frustrated. What if I had never met him? What if I had never decided to become a bounty hunter, or if Connie had given me someone else's number? I would not have fallen in love with him and I would not be in this terrible situation. I would be a normal, functioning human being.

But I would be lost. Lost in the rules and regulations of the Burg, constrained and miserable. He was the only person who had ever encouraged my Bounty Hunting, and he had helped me break out of the Burg. So if not for him, I guess I would still be trying to adhere to their social rules.

And without him... without him, I would never have learned what love is.

_I guess we just weren't meant to be  
I guess that maybe it was me.  
But it was you that turned your back on this,  
You that left without a kiss._

And even though it had only ever brought me pain and suffering lately, through love, I had experienced some of my most treasured memories. Loving Ranger had made every second with him special, and the thrill of his smile when I caused it never faded.

_Your hands that disappeared from my face  
Your body was missing from our embrace  
I miss you like the hell this is  
But I guess you just don't care._

So I suppose in spite of the constant pain I had been feeling for nigh on a year now, it was worth it. I listened to Bob snuffling on the ground next to me and the pipes gurgling for a while. A year, I had been feeling this. Since the day I had gone to tell Ranger. A year. A year of my life I would never get back. I had been so overcome by grief and lost love I had lost track of time. I wondered if Ranger had been this incapacitated. I smiled wryly to myself in the darkness and turned over. That was laughable. He had never shown he loved me, so why would he be cut up about my marrying Morelli?

As always, I felt deathly alone at this time of day. There was no one around to distract me, nothing to do but lie in bed, awake. Nothing to stop me spending the long hours with my thoughts. Something which I tried to avoid. It was too dangerous. It would hurt too much later, if I let myself think about him. And this charade I was playing was difficult enough without that.

_You're gone and I'm alone,  
In the darkness,  
On my own._

But without the darkness,  
There can't be light,  
And without the blackness-  
You can't have bright.  
You blinded me the day we met,  
And now I see I should not have let-  
You're strong, safe arms around me.  
Your body, warm and firm.  
I should've known you'd leave me.  
I should've known you'd burn.

And so my life went on. Months and then a year or two past. The pain began to fade. The hole in my chest seemed to close over around the edges, only a ghost of the former agony remaining. I got better at pretending to be happy, while inside, I remained numb. Nothing seemed to matter without him. It didn't matter that Morelli was sleeping around, or that my mother was supremely ashamed of me. It didn't matter that I spent all of my time working, thinking in bed or asleep. Everything that had been important to me, every insignificant detail of my former life seemed to fade away into mediocrity in the face of his absence.

_You don't care that I can't do this without you,  
You don't care that I can't start anew.  
You've stolen my heart but haven't returned it,  
But now I see you never earned it._

So the world turned. People came and went in my life, unnoticed. I remained immobile and unresponsive because that constant state of apathy was far better than facing the pain of his rejection alone. I just couldn't bear it. I just couldn't.

_So leave me now if that's what you need,  
I won't be so low as to beg or plead;  
For even though my soul is torn,  
I know somehow, I'll be reborn._

'Cause Babe without the darkness  
There can't be light,  
Without the darkness  
You can't have bright.

Sorry, I know that was a short chapter but I don't really feel I did this chapter justice, and I need to work out where I'm going from here. Any ideas? The song was one I wrote called "So Here I Stand" and I figured it fit perfectly, so I didn't really need to find one someone else wrote! I'll post the full lyrics below.

And remember, REVIEW!

Schaefy xxoo

"_So Here I Stand"_

_I guess we just weren't meant to be  
I guess that maybe it was me.  
But it was you that turned your back on this,  
You that left without a kiss._

Your hands that disappeared from my face  
Your body was missing from our embrace  
I miss you like the hell this is  
But I guess you just don't care.

You're gone and I'm alone,  
In the darkness,  
On my own.

But without the darkness,  
There can't be light,  
And without the blackness-  
You can't have bright.  
You blinded me the day we met,  
And now I see I should not have let-  
You're strong, safe arms around me.  
Your body, warm and firm.  
I should've known you'd leave me.  
I should've known you'd burn.

It was you that kept me sane,  
You that loved me always,  
But now you're gone and I don't know why,  
So here I stand.

But without the darkness,  
There can't be light,  
And without the blackness-  
You can't have bright.  
You blinded me the day we met,  
And now I see I should not have let  
You're strong, safe arms around me.  
Your body, warm and firm.  
I should've known you'd leave me.  
I should've known you'd burn.

You don't care that I can't do this without you,  
You don't care that I can't start anew.  
You've stolen my heart but haven't returned it,  
But now I see you never earned it.

So leave me now if that's what you need,  
I won't be so low as to beg or plead;  
For even though my soul is torn,  
I know somehow, I'll be reborn.

'Cause Babe without the darkness  
There can't be light,  
Without the darkness  
You can't have bright. 


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Hi everyone, just thought I'd post this, since it's been almost finished for about a month. But I feel the storyline is better now than it was then. I probably won't post again for a while, but I would love to hear from you all so please Review.

Love,  
Schaefy

0 0 0

_Stephanie_

And so time passed in that fashion. On and on. I watched silently as the leaves turned to fiery orange and red, then slowly gathered along the sidewalks as they fell from the trees. I felt the weather get colder day by day, watched the first snowfall of the year through the kitchen window. It wasn't even _Morelli's_ kitchen window anymore... I had resigned myself to that. I was done fighting. It was not his, mine or ours. It just was.

I had moved on to a job waiting tables at a local posh restaurant at Joe's insistence. It was easy for me just to disconnect when I was there, to go through the motions. The people who ate there generally had a high opinion of themselves, and paid me little attention as the lowly waitress. That suited me just fine; I just delivered their meals and cleaned up after them. The restaurant staff didn't know me too well because I was so quiet, and mostly they just stayed professional. It was just something I did because I had to do something, because that was what was expected of me. My mother had been temporarily placated by my marriage to Morelli, and therefore cared little about what I did work-wise. She was now not-so-subtly dropping hints regarding the possibility of more grandchildren. From me. And Morelli. I had been so shocked when she first said it over coffee with us that I choked on my cappuccino. She had taken in my stunned expression and narrowed her eyes as Joe thumped me on the back. "Well Stephanie, you're not getting any younger." She said, as if for some reason marriage had added an extra decade to my twenty eight years. I had thought about this later that night and I sat up in the armchair next to the bed, clutching my favourite soft blanket to my chest. I wasn't ready for children; I wasn't ready to even start thinking about having them. I wasn't even ready to accept or even wish for marriage of my own free will, for chrissakes! And I certainly would not bring a child, a living, breathing body that was totally dependent on me into the world when I was so unhappy, and unable to manage my own feelings let alone a small baby's. A baby deserved total dedication, around the clock care and attention. It demanded a level of commitment and perseverance I just couldn't give at the moment. It wasn't fair to the child, the helpless infant to be saddled with a mother like me. Sometime in the future perhaps I would be ready. But not now.

I could see in the wistful look in Joe's eye that he would adore a little son to play baseball with and take to games, to teach to ride his first bike and hug him when he cried. But, I just couldn't bring myself to even think of it now.

Time seemed to fade into obscurity in my mind, as the same day seemed to repeat itself over and over again like a broken record player. Every morning at six am, Joe would wake for a shower, or sometimes a quickie beforehand. I would cook him breakfast while he was getting dressed (surprisingly domestic for me, but it was something my mother insisted that I do, because that was what she had always done and look how things had turned out with her and Dad. Naturally she knew best.) He'd come down and I'd serve his breakfast, sitting with him quietly as he ate. Sometimes he would enquire how I was as I stared at nothing with a blank expression. But by now he had grown so used to my perpetual sadness and silence that he no longer noticed. I sometimes wondered what he thought had happened to me. I wondered if he knew it was him, even though he seemed so oblivious to it. Or if he thought it was the change of job that had left me down. Or losing my independence by our cohabitation. Frankly I barely felt anything these days, much less actual curiosity or even just indifference. It just seemed to be something, a question, that was there but held no interest to me whatsoever. It was just there. Just like me. I was just there.

And so passed another winter, which melted into spring. God turned up the heat for summer this year before cooling for autumn, and letting small wisps of wind chill the people deluded into thinking that it was still comfortable to walk to work in that weather. I seemed so unaware of time passing that it slipped away in huge chunks before I noticed. And by the time I noticed it, it was gone. Behind me, lost to history. It didn't really make me sad, but when I realised what was happening, it only made me want to recede back into myself again so it would continue to happen. I had no desire to live, or even recall my life now; I just wished it would pass. It was like that saying, "You're waiting on the world to change". I was waiting for change, waiting for something, anything to let me escape. I guess I'd finally figured it out, after so much time spent in denial.

I realised that I couldn't do this, no matter how much forced myself to try.

I just couldn't.

And suddenly, without quite knowing how it happened, it had been two years since I had married Joe. Two years of near silence, numbness, nothingness. I felt a tinge of sadness when I realised this, which made me realise how surprised I was by the fact. Feeling anything was rare for me these days. But I felt sad for the lost time, for the long life of unhappiness I had exiled myself to. Now I was almost repulsed when Joe touched me. I hated it when we had sex, hated it when he nuzzled my neck or just wanted to hold my hand. It made me want to shrink away from him and clutch my arms and hug myself. The physical contact was so minimal, but even that I shied away from. Joe didn't notice, although he was more tender with me than ever before. But his soft caresses brought shudders through me I fought to suppress, and his casual touch sent a shiver of repulsion down my spine. I couldn't explain what had happened to me, but things were changing. I was changing. I had lost everything of myself to the Burg through this marriage, and I could feel as the days slid passed how the last pieces of myself seemed to fade away into oblivion. I wasn't sure who I had become, just that I wasn't who I had been.

It was on a chilly evening in late autumn that I found myself walking home briskly, having discovered earlier that the car wouldn't start. The restaurant wasn't that far from the house, so instead of calling Dad to take me in the Cab, I decided to walk. I told myself it was because I didn't want to disturb him at this time of night, but when I was honest with myself, it was because I didn't want to have to act anymore. I was exhausted physically and emotionally both from the shift and the last few weeks. I had continued my increasingly bad sleeping habits, waking often during the night and feeling as if I had not yet slept when I woke in the morning. But tonight everything seemed to have peaked. I was worn out and constantly close to tears, and my emotions seemed so much more turbulent than usual. Any little thing would tip me over the edge, and I had had immense trouble holding myself together during my shift so that I wouldn't burst into tears when someone dropped a plate, or put too much salt in the stew.

I shivered as I pulled my coat tighter around my shoulders and hugged my arms to my chest, head bowed against the insistent wind which was bitterly cold. I looked up for a moment and noticed the park where I had played as a child across the street. It was empty now, bathed in the orange light of the streetlamps, seats empty, swings still. I don't know what made me do it, but I felt as if the park were pulling me toward it, beckoning me with the promise of happy memories and escape from reality for a brief moment. I stepped out from the curb, eyes set on the swing I used to love as a child. I had had more than a few injuries from it, but I had always adored seeing how high I could go, much to the dismay of my mother. I was so caught up in the memories that I didn't notice the car careening towards me, going too fast, tires spinning. I was in the middle of the road when I looked up, directly into its headlights. Instead of time slowing down like it seemed to in movies, my brain seemed to speed up, hyperaware. I still had a moment, a fraction of a second to move, to save myself. But my feet seemed to be stuck to the ground, I couldn't move my legs. I could hear someone yelling and running towards me, but still I didn't move. And then I realised. The little voice inside my head which told me to get out of danger wasn't there anymore. I realised with a stab of pain that I couldn't move, couldn't save myself because _I didn't want to_. I would rather die, rather get hit by this car than step out of the way and keep on living. A sort of peace settled over me as I calmly watched the car coming, and breathed a sigh of relief. It would be over soon. There would be no more pain, no more pressure, no more regrets. It would just be numb. Calm. Nothing.

I closed my eyes as the headlights blinded me. I was deaf to the screech of the brakes that should have hurt my ears, oblivious to the rain beginning to fall insistently on my face.

It would be over soon.

I sigh with relief, a small smile curving my lips.

And it hit me.


	10. Chapter 10

_Stephanie_

_Close your eyes  
Get some sleep  
It's too late now  
To change anything_

The wind felt cold on my face.

The world was silent.

_But it's alright  
Get some sleep  
It's so dark outside  
So close your eyes_

There was nothing.

I felt nothing.

_  
And feel the world turn round  
If you're not lost  
I guess that makes you found_

I was peaceful.

I was done.

My eyes were closed, I was lying somewhere. I tried to move, but felt something holding me down. _I must be dead_, I thought. It was a relief, I guess. To know it was over. But then I felt whatever I was lying on. It was wet. Uncomfortable. Heaven couldn't be this uncomfortable could it? Disoriented, I tried to open my eyes, my hands reaching up to rub them. A gentle hand, feather soft stroked my cheek. A voice spoke, equally softly.

"Babe?" My heart pounded. I must be dead. I had sworn to myself I would never hear that voice again, feel that touch. It couldn't be. It wasn't... was it? I fell back, the shock crushing my tenuous grip on consciousness.

"Stephanie! Wake up!" I heard him from far away, his voice panicked. That was odd. He was usually very calm. His cool hands were gently probing my skull where I had hit my head, probably checking for breaks.

"Please, Stephanie, come on you _have_ to wake up!" His hand was supporting my neck, his face so close that I could feel his soft breath on my face. And then... His warm, enticing scent filled my nostrils. I had dreamed about it for two years now, but now I could experience it again, it seemed a million times better than I had remembered. It smelled of comfort, protection and a quiet and persistent love that would never wain. My eyelids fluttered open as I struggled to see his face in front of me.

"Babe..." He sighed with relief, his smile seeming to light the dark street, relief and worry apparent in the creases around his eyes. "You scared me. I guess some things never change." I pushed myself upright, gasping in pain and putting my hand to the side of my head as the pain seemed to burn as I moved. He watched me carefully, obviously checking for signs of concussion or internal trauma. He was rocked back on his heels now, and it was obvious how much he had changed in two short years. His hair was cropped short instead of its usual shoulder length, slightly longer at the front, tousled and casual, and somehow he managed to look even sexier than ever. He was more tanned now, as if he had just spent a summer on the beach instead of a cold Trenton winter; and for once he was wearing black jeans, a white shirt and black jacket worn open. But he was different somehow; his eyes look more tired, more wary, more pained, as if he had seen a lifetime's pain instead of just a few years.

"How are you feeling?" his voice was quiet, as usual. I sat up a little more; relieved my head wasn't spinning again.

"I'm ok." I whispered. Flashes of what had just happened were beginning to rush through my head. Stepping off the curb, the car speeding towards me... and the pause of indecision. Whether to stay on and fight, or give up. Had Ranger not been there, I would have been hit by that car. I would have been peaceful by now, at rest. And he had seen that. He had seen that I had stopped in front of the car; he had seen that I had made the conscious decision to not get out of the way.

The rain seemed to have lightened slightly as we sat there, him just silently watching me, watching me comprehend everything that had just happened.

_It seems we've had a real close call_

_I wonder if I've really seen it all,_

_Is life worth living when the pains so bad,_

_Is life worth living when I feel so sad._

"Babe. What happened to you?" his eyes were soft, gently probing as he crouched beside me, his fingers tender on my skin. It was that tone, that quiet, understated concern which shot straight to my heart. Even after all this time, he still cared. And everything that happened, every terrible feeling, every sadness, every pain seemed to well up inside me to become a single perfect tear that fell onto my cheek, shining in the darkness.

"I couldn't do it Ranger, it was so hard! He's just...I'm so..." And then I was sobbing into his shoulder, my shoulders shaking with the effort of keeping everything inside me, the turmoil of emotions battering me from the inside. I clutched him to me as if he were a rope thrown to a drowning person, his jacket crumpled in my fingers, the sleeve darkening with my tears. He just held me there quietly, his hand making soothing circles on my back, letting me cry it out. What scared me was that I had just nearly killed myself. I had nearly ended my life because I was so unhappy. I cried harder, my voice cracking as I felt the fear crash through me at that thought.

_Cos' all I really live for's you,_

_But I guess now I've lost that too,_

_And it all seems a little bit futile,_

_Just to continue living a little while._

"It's ok Babe. It's alright, just relax, that's it."

After what seemed like forever my sobs quietened and my breathing evened out a little. And Ranger just sat there holding my close, a pillar of support. I knew I should not be doing this. This momentary comfort in his arms would only make it harder later. I pulled away quickly as the guilt leaked into me, guilt that I had broken my careful rule of avoidance. It just made life easier if I didn't think about him at all. Didn't think, wonder, remember; at all. It helped me to stay numb, to keep the pain to a minimum if I could. And this, his scent, his voice, his touch would only make it harder.

"Steph?" his forehead creased with confusion as I moved away, clutching my arms around my chest as the whole where my heart used to be seemed to tear open a little bit more every moment I was with him.

_So baby won't you let me go,_

_Please, darling, I can't say no._

_And I know you're gone but also here,_

_So far from me but close, so near._

I had to leave. Now. I had to leave before I couldn't anymore, before I gave in to my misery and took the opportunity to escape. It was that opportunity that stared back at me with beautiful deep brown eyes. It would be so easy to leave, to forget Joe and let Ranger take me away, and for the first time in my life, I wondered what was holding me back. I searched; was it obligation? Guilt? Fear of change? I dismissed each as quickly as they flitted across my mind. Nothing fitted. There was nothing I felt, nothing at all that made me believe I had to go back. It was simply, I realised, that I knew nothing else. I didn't know what to do. I would be alone if I left him. I would have no money, no place to live, no friends. My family, or my mother at least would disown me. I would have nowhere to go.

Except, perhaps, him.

He held his hand out to me, offering to help me stand.

It was so tempting to take his hand, to take the easy way out.

_Please don't make this harder than it has to be,_

_I just wish baby that you'd see_

_That if it's done, it's done,_

_Like the setting sun._

"Stephanie. Do you want to go somewhere and talk about it? To a diner?"

I shook my head slowly, the pain wrenching at the hole in my chest. It was déjà vu. It was that night two years ago all over again, but instead, it was me who was rejecting him. My lip trembled as my face began to crumple, the first tear slipping gently from my lashes to trace a cool trail down my pale face.

"I'm sorry Carlos. I'm so sorry."

_The day is through,_

_And I just wish you knew_

_That I love you,_

_I love you,_

_Forever._

It was the second time I had walked away from the man I loved.

Time didn't make the pain any easier to bear.

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Author's Note: Hi guys, I know you weren't expecting another chapter so soon, trust me, neither was I! But writing has become my method of relaxation after studying, which generally means I do it fairly often to wind down at night. The song at the beginning of the chapter is Newton Faulkner's "Lullaby"—it's truly beautiful, it helped me fall asleep for a long time. The second was just something I wrote specifically for this. I tried to find song lyrics that fitted, but nothing was quite what I wanted, so I just scribbled something down on the page. So, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and aren't too heartbroken!

Please review and tell me what you think.

Schaefy xx


	11. Chapter 11

Hi everybody, I'm sorry this chapter was a few weeks coming but you'll be glad to know it's a longer one. My exams start tomorrow and then I have two weeks until I'm FREE! But don't worry, I tend to like writing to relax, so I should be doing at least a little bit every few days. Anyway I hope you enjoy the new chapter and, as always, **please review!! **Pretty please?

Schaefy :P

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_Stephanie_

I stumbled through the dark streets, street lights shining brightly against the wet road, casting eerie shadows in unobtrusive corners. I was too stunned to think anything, just the need to leave his still figure behind me, to let it fade into the night that shrouded the town. If you asked me, I couldn't really tell you what made me walk away from him. I guess it was mainly guilt. Even after two years of unhappiness I still couldn't bring myself to leave Joe and break my mother's heart, even though I was wasting away, losing myself. And I could feel it each day, just a little bit more of who I was wore away as time passed and my soul stayed dormant. It made me sad I suppose, in a detached sort of way, to know that I was in effect giving up myself, what made me _me_ simply to satisfy social conventions.

I paused when I reach the end of our street, hidden from view by trees and houses. There was a light on in the living room of the house, and I watched Joe chugging a beer with Bob by his side, watching a game. He would be friendly when I came in, just as he always was. It wasn't that he was a bad guy deep down, and I didn't blame him. But we had lost all trace of intimacy in our relationship. Our jobs generally kept us apart a lot of the time, which suited me just fine, allowing me a couple of hours a day just to do nothing but let time pass me by. My heart seemed to get heavier with unhappiness as I stared at the familiar scene. When I went in there he would say hi and ask about my evening. I would reply without really looking at him and quickly escape with some feeble excuse to the bedroom. That would be our contact for the day.

It was odd, but suddenly, I couldn't remember how I got here. How was it that I was married, unhappy, waiting for something to change? And why was I waiting? Why didn't I make the change?

And it was there in that cold wet street under a moonless sky that something inside me sparked. The tiniest spark can cause the largest fire, and I felt it, I felt something, which in itself was incredible. A part of me which had lain dormant, still, unused for years now had flickered. And it was the best feeling in the world, after feeling nothing at all. And I found after pursuing numbness for such a long time now, that I was glad I was still capable of emotion. It was only little, but it was something of the fire which had once been driving me.

I walked slowly toward the house, pausing at the door. The TV blared on inside. A door slammed in the next street. Bushes rustled in the wind. I sighed. Normality. Was that really what I wanted out of life?

I pushed the door open, stepping inside the warm house.

Normality.

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_Ranger_

I couldn't believe it.

It was the second time I had watched her walk away from me.

With a sigh I put my face in my hands, rubbing my tired eyes. It had been two years now, more than that, and I still couldn't seem to leave her alone. I had never gotten over her; her smile, her smell, her beautiful hair, her personality. She was without doubt the most beautiful, most passionate and most caring person I had ever met, and she constantly reminded me of that every day, smiling up at me from my desk. Slowly I pulled my hands away from my face, looking at the scattered items on my desk. A shell we had collected at Point Pleasant where she had taken me, a framed photograph of us laughing together somewhere, a bracelet she had taught me to weave from rough twine one day. All triggered memories in me, and a strange emotion, so exquisitely sad and beautiful that it was almost painful. No, what was I thinking? This hurt more than anything I had ever suffered before. I had thought at some points in my life that nothing could be worse than what I was experiencing, the intense agony, but somehow the absolute bleakness of this just made it worse.

I had one last chance. If this didn't work, then it was time to let go. As impossible and excruciating as the idea seemed, there was no point anymore. I would just have to learn to live with it.

I picked up the smooth shell in my hand, rubbing a thumb over its soft enamelled surface. Then I placed it next to my ear like she had shown me, and heard the ocean. "My mother showed me this when I was a little girl," she had said, her eyes dancing as brightly as the sun that glinted off her hair. "If you put the shell next to your ear, you can hear the ocean inside it." Surprised, I heard the wash of waves that weren't the ones lapping gently against my feet. But what I remembered most clearly, almost as clearly as the photo which lay on my desk, was the beautiful smile she had given me. It seemed to light up my world more than the bright sun shining down on us.

Then I opened my eyes, and I was back in my dark office.

This was the last chance, the last time. Then I would stop. I would leave Trenton probably; go somewhere faraway where every street seemed to remind me of her. Maybe I'd go offline for a while; fly to an island, or go on a temporary posting somewhere for the military.

I clutched the shell in my fist, closing my eyes tight against the emotion.

This was it.

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_Stephanie_

Joe looked up at me as I walked in, head down, letting my loose hair flow over my shoulder and subtly blocking my face from view.

"Hey baby." I put my bag down in the hall and pretended to fiddle with my keys avoiding his eyes. I started to take off my coat and then a shiver rippled down my spine as I felt Joe's hands gently helping me. He must have taken it to mean surprise or even arousal, because suddenly I felt myself stifled inside his arms, unmoving and feeling a little crushed. His face was tucked in the crook of my neck as he brushed his lips against the sensitive skin there, but somehow I could only feel his uncomfortably hot breath that made me feel I needed to get a washcloth and scrub where it had touched. My arms were hanging by my sides, to stunned and slightly disgusted to even feign affection.

"Come to bed baby..." his breath was in my ear now, moist and repulsive. I couldn't seem to suppress the urge in me to pull away and my fists clenched, white knuckled, in an effort to remain still and passive. To my discomfort he pulled me closer, suddenly I couldn't stand it anymore. Without thinking I raised my hands and pushed against his chest, so hard that staggered back a step and bumped the wall. At the look on my face I knew I'd made a mistake.

"Joe-" I grabbed at his hand as he turned away from me, ego wounded.

"Forget it."

"No, Joe-" I grabbed more insistently and spun him around to face me. He looked at me with hurt in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm just tired." I forced myself to kiss him, trying to be as convincing as possible.

I stepped back and looked into his eyes. I almost sighed with relief as his faced relaxed into a smile.

"It's alright, I understand. Sorry. Are you coming up anyway?" His fingers intertwined in mine in a way that used to make my heart sigh with happiness. But now, it was silent.

"I'm just going to grab something to eat and I'll be right up. You look tired, don't wait up ok?" He smiled and pecked me on the forehead, nodding.

"You need help?"

"Nah, I'm good," I assured him, gently nudging him towards the stairs. "I'll only be a few minutes, I promise." At that he climbed the stairs, yawning, his tread slow and tired.

I lent my head against the wall for a moment, closing my eyes and getting a grip. Wow, that had been too close. I listened as my heartbeat slowed and the adrenaline faded from my system. I would have to control myself better in future; I had nearly blown it then.

Sighing again I walked quietly to the kitchen, trying not to disturb Joe. I wasn't really hungry though I hadn't eaten since lunchtime, but the nights events seemed to have ruined my appetite. And then finally, I couldn't hold it in any longer. Everything just seemed to crash down on me as I slumped down on a kitchen chair, head in my hands. My chest hurt as I fought the sobs that felt as if they would rip my body apart. Tears wet my cheeks but all I could do was hug my arms around my chest and clench my jaw, trying not to make a sound. I was tired and emotional and nothing was making sense, and most of all I was questioning my marriage to Joe for the first time. I had never wanted it, that much was certain, but I had always thought I would be able to just live with it and look on the bright side. I drew in a jagged breath, eyes closed tight. I guess now I knew life didn't work that way.

I felt a wet nose on my wrist and opened my eyes to see Bob looking at me, his big brown eyes sensing I was sad. He quietly laid his head on my knee, offering his silent support. I smiled tearily, sat down on the floor and buried my face in his thick coat. He sat still and calm as I hugged him, the flow of tears dropping onto his fur starting to slow as the sobs calmed. I stayed there for a moment, just listening to his heart beat. It was nice to have someone just to care that I was sad, even if the only person who did was actually a dog. I took a great sniff and sat back on the floor, slowly letting my arms drop from around Bob's neck. Getting up I hastily wiped my eyes lest Joe had heard me crying, and went through the motions of making myself hot chocolate. From my childhood whenever I felt sad or anxious or scared at night my Grandma had always made me hot chocolate, sat down with me in the kitchen no matter how late it was and talked about whatever was wrong. Stirring the steaming mug I sat down at the kitchen table, only to hear my phone ring from my coat in the hallway. Taking a sip I quickly padded to the hall and reached into the pocket to find my phone ringing loudly. But just as I touched it I noticed something else, a box covered in some soft material. Pulling it out I listened absently as the phone rang out, not quite aware of the silence that deafened me after the shrill ringing. I was right; it was a box, small and delicate, covered in black velvet which felt infinitely smooth under my finger tips. I closed my eyes for a moment, memories flooding into my mind.

"_Babe."_

_I jumped violently, having been engrossed in and internal debate as to whether calories counted on birthdays while reclining on my couch with two of my favourite men, Ben and Jerry._

"_Jesus Ranger, make some noise! You're going to give me a heart attack someday I swear to God..."_

_He smiled in the half light the lamp cast over his face, and stepped closer to me, holding out his hand._

"_Well Babe you are exceptionally unaware of your surroundings."_

_Slightly confused and a little embarrassed I took his hand and he pulled me up, drawing me close to his body in one fluid movement, before his soft lips met mine a moment later. Every thought seemed to evaporate from my mind as his lips caressed mine and he pulled me still closer, my arms snaking up around his neck and tangling my fingers in his hair. His lips burned a fiery trail down my neck until he reached the sensitive skin on my neck...when the bastard pulled away._

_I was speechless and weak kneed, clinging to his muscular shoulders for support._

"_Wow..." was all I could manage, "What was that for?"_

_His head dipped close again until our foreheads touched._

"_Happy Birthday Babe." He said huskily, brushing my lips with his own._

_I was surprised he knew because I hadn't exactly publicised the fact, but then again, Batman knew everything. I smiled at him, closing my eyes and relaxing in his arms._

"_Thank you." But when I opened my eyes I felt him reach into his pocket and pull out a small black velvet box._

"_This is for you, I hope you like it." He said, smiling as he handed the box to me. Gently snapping the lid open I saw the most beautiful silver necklace lying on a velvet cushion. A small silver heart hung from a single bead, the most perfect little diamond embedded in the upper corner._

"_Ranger..." I was speechless, "It's... It's perfect." I smiled, knowing how much this meant coming from him, the man of mystery. Gently pulling it from the box I felt the chain slide liquidly over my fingers, more lovely than any I had ever owned. Then Ranger caught my hands in his and took it from me, moving behind me to help me put it on. It nestled in the hollow of my neck as he did up the clasp, just where I liked it, and I felt that this present meant more to me than all the other ones put together. Turning to face him I pull him into me, touching my lips to his and hugging him tight even as his arms enveloped me._

"_Thank you Ranger." Was all I could say. "Thank you so much."_

I opened my eyes to look at the very same necklace laying upon the same black velvet, the diamond sparkling up at me. Pain seemed to tear through my heart as I slid down the wall next to me, my eyes filling with tears of lost love.

A note fell from the lid and I caught it, flipping the paper open.

_Babe, I'm always here._

_I'll always love you._

_I'll always want you._

I choked on another sob, the pain almost palpable in my chest.

Oh God.

What had I done?


	12. Chapter 12

_Stephanie_

I had developed a strategy early on in my bounty hunting days to cope with the sadness some people's stories evoked in me, the hopelessness I felt about my life and the sense, growing ever more insistent, that it was slipping away from me. I had a few memories that I treasured close to my heart, golden beacons in a life that was one disappointment after another. Eventually, even the strongest soul or ambition will crumble in the face of so much unfulfilled hope. When I felt sad or embarrassed or like I had trouble getting up in the mornings because I honestly couldn't think of a reason to, I would go back to these memories, and let their joy and hope and love filter into me again. Holding Morelli close, happy, hopeful, exultant, years before we were married and there had been nothing but that moment. That time when I was nine and I jumped off the garage roof, just before I hit the ground. The adrenaline pumping through my veins, but the lightness I felt as for the most fleeting moment, I flew. And the last memory?

My face found my hands as I hunched over, teeth clenched in an attempt to keep the sobs silent.

The last one was the simplest, without doubt, but with equal certainty the happiest. That day I had taken Ranger to Point Pleasant, we had climbed a way across the headland to the secret beach there. Sitting on the cool sand, his arm around my shoulders as I leant into him we watched the sun set to the gentle wash of the waves and the beating of our hearts. The sky had exploded into a cacophony of oranges and pinks, the soft cottony clouds catching the light and seemingly glowing.

I left my face in my hands and concentrated on calming my ragged breathing, the edges of the hole in my chest burning, as if someone had rubbed salt on an open wound. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath and listened to my heartbeat slowing and my sobs calm.

Then, wiping the tears from my cheeks, I stood, a sense of finality settling over me.

I stared at the ring on my left hand for a moment. It had never left my hand since Joe had put it there next to the altar. I thought I might feel sad when this came, but strangely, all I felt was relief.

Slowly I slid my wedding ring off my finger, placing it quietly on the kitchen countertop.

Then I turned and walked out the door for the last time.

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_Ranger_

It was nearing midnight and my eyes itched with tiredness, but I forced myself to stay awake. Midnight was the deadline. That was it. If she wasn't here by then, I had the jet on standby; ready to whisk me away to... well to wherever was farthest from here. I wasn't going to make the temptation of going to see her any greater than it was already. It was difficult enough not to get in the car and break all the speed limits to get to her, to try and convince her to leave him, to come back to me.

11:53pm... the clock ticked slowly. But why would she want me? I was a mercenary, a killer, detached and unfeeling. It was hard enough to admit to myself that I didn't just love her; I was _in love_ with her. I had said so many stupid things, and hadn't said so many more important things that I felt they would burst out of my chest in their desperation to escape. I wanted her to know, needed it! But I was here, in my quiet apartment, alone. As always.

11:55pm... I almost imagined I could hear her voice calling from outside, jerking upright from my doze to listen intently, only to the intense disappointment of a silence I had insisted upon. But what if I couldn't do this? I had shut out my emotions for so long, what if I couldn't open my heart again? I would drive her away as I had so many times before. I sighed, heart heavy. Maybe it was better this way. Alone. Emotionally barren. I wasn't sure I could face her rejection when we actually had a real chance of making something.

11:59pm...There was still time, there was, come on Babe please! I willed her to come, my whole mind concentrating on that singular need to hold her right now, to protect her, to love her. But the seconds continued to tick by, each a singular repetitive reminder that they were the dying breaths of her love for me.

12:00am.

Each soft toll of the clock was accompanied with a stab of pain to my heart, of loneliness and regret and the agony of lost love. I got up, dazed, and unconsciously grabbed the rucksack which had been lying at my feet next to the couch. I walked unseeingly down the desolate hall, as it seemed to stretch for an eternity beyond. The apartment always felt empty when she was gone. Empty of life, of a spirit which had been worn away from me, but filled Stephanie to the very brim.

I rested my head against the cool wooden door, hand on the doorknob. Disappointment. Pain. It was all I could feel. Defeat.

I sighed. It was time to leave now. Time to forget, to bury these feelings deep inside me until I was ready to deal with them. With my eyes closed, I twisted the knob and, inch by inch, pulled the door slowly open.

And she was there, standing in front of me.

"You were right." She said simply.

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TBC?


	13. Chapter 13

_Ranger_

She just stood there like a lost child, her shoulders slumped, tears tracks down her cheeks. There were black circles under her eyes testimony to many sleepless nights, and a hollowness in her features which showed her obvious lack of appetite. I was so shocked to see her I just stood there for a moment, gazing into her eyes. Here was the woman I had been longing for for so long, standing in front of me. She had haunted my dreams every night for years, a ghostly presence often not quite there but always hovering in the shadows. My eyes travelled over her beautiful brown curls and full lips, traversed the stunning curves of her body that were as familiar to me as the lines on my palm. She was the same as she had always been, but different somehow, as if someone had sucked the spirit which had once made her larger than life out of her, and left just the empty shell of a person, merely able to function but incapable of emotion. And all at once I needed her close to me, in my arms. I needed to protect her, shield her, to take her away until all her pain dissipated, until she could once again stand on her own two feet. In one swift movement I gently pulled her into my chest and enveloped her in my arms, burying my face in her hair as she tucked herself into my shoulder as if she had never left it.

We stood there for a while, unconcerned by anything but the fact that we were here, together, finally, after so many years of self-denial. I revelled in the softness of her skin, the scent of her hair, the warmth which seemed to emanate from her and heat my heart which had lain dormant for so long. I could feel my shirt dampening as her tears soaked into it and I simply pulled her closer and stroked her hair in mute support, unable to voice the emotions raging through me.

When I felt her calm I gently pulled her into the apartment, holding her firmly by the waist, not feeling quite ready to let her go yet. I sat down on the couch; legs outstretched and pulled her down to sit on my lap and she settled there, her head resting on my chest surrounded by my arms. I kissed the top of her head gently as she breathed a contented sigh and closed my eyes for a moment.

"I missed you." The quiet words held far more weight than they appeared to in the dim room, the sound of our breaths the only thing breaking the silence. But I noticed none of this, so consumed by the moment that my usual watchfulness was absent.

She sighed, and I could hear the anguish and pain so close to the surface that I pulled her closer for a moment, comforting her. I was shocked at how thin her voice was when she replied.

"I missed you too. More than you know." She seemed to be fighting tears, her face clenched in an effort to stem the sobs that threatened to burst out of her. I trailed my fingers gently down her cheek, tracing the pale tear tracks left from before, my heart aching with the pain we had both had to endure. And suddenly, before my eyes, her brittle control shattered and she was sobbing into my chest, her hands clenching my shirt.

"It was so hard Carlos! It was so hard! I would dream about you all the time, and then after a while I just...," Her jagged sobs increased as I felt her body tense," I just became numb! I couldn't feel anything... nothing. I was so scared that it would never come back, that I would just stay like that for the rest of my life!" My eyes were filled with pain as I stared down at her, appalled at how much she had struggled and for how long she had forced herself to hold out against it. I pulled her closer to me, rubbing smooth circles on her back and pressing kisses to her hair. I simply held her as she sobbed, aware that she needed to express all this anguish in order to let the emotional wounds begin to heal. As we lay there together, clinging to one another as if we were each other's lifelines, I noticed a strange feeling of relief inside me. I wasn't quite sure what it was until I realised that it was simply having her in my arms which satisfied me. I closed my eyes and revelled in this simple pleasure which meant so much to me.

"Stephanie. Mi Amor."

She looked up at me, a tear still trickling down her cheek. I gently brushed it away with a fingertip, a small smile spreading over my face as I felt my love for her consume me, her happiness and light fill every dark corner of me, correcting my faults and completing me.

"Desde que te conocí no hago nada más que pensar en ti. Mi haces feliz. Quiero estar contigo para siempre. Te amo, Nena." I smiled down at her, my heart lifting as if it had been under an immense weight.

"I said since I met you I can think of nothing but you. You make me happy, and I want to be with you forever. I love you, Babe."

And then she smiled; the shadow which I had seen in her face dissolving leaving the woman I had fallen for so many years ago, unmarred by years of pain and anguish. Her eyes were full of the old fire which used to burn there, rekindled, the determination to overcome the odds revived in her.

And in that moment, as I held her close for the first time in what felt like decades, I knew it.

I knew she would survive this. I knew she would overcome it.

I knew we would triumph, no matter the odds. Because as an old man had once told me,

Love conquers all.

The End.

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So? What did you think? I was thinking of possibly continuing this to give some happy time to Steph and Ranger, or should I do that in a separate story? Tell me what you'd like.

Schaefy


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